Basic Theories of Space & Time, and how they relate to the NES

In short, hereís my theory. Space and time as we know it are based on two simple things.

  1. Bon Jovi rocks
  2. There are certain NES games that are flat out impossible.
Since I was an only child who went to private school, I didnít have many friends whose houses I could just waltz over to on a whim. All my friends lived in Outer Mongolia, and getting there was an extensive process of organizing with both sets of parents, finding a good time, and offering up a ritual sacrifice to Ra the Egyptian God of Chaos. As a direct result, I spent much of my childhood in front of the friend thatís always there for you when you need him and always wants to do what you want to do, the Nintendo. Before I hit double digits, my list of accomplishments was already long. Defeated Contra without the code, beat all 150 levels of Rampage, never talked to a girl, the list goes on. But there are some games that I just couldnít beat. Now at the time I felt inadequate, but Iíve come to realize that these games were DESIGNED to make you feel inadequate. Iíd sue, but Iím fairly certain that I currently have in my wallet the current net worth of Ultra Games.

So for you anarchists out there who would like to unravel the threads of the universe and beat some of these impossible games, hereís a quick rundown of three off the top of my head. Since I'm depressed, I'll even egg you future anti-christs on and give you the ROM. Just click on the game title. But delete it after 24 hours unless you actually own these horrible games, otherwise Ultra Games will sue me, you, and everyone you've ever loved including your dog who died when you were a kid. Ultra has the power to give life, will resurrect your dog, and then cut him up in front of you. Don't say I didn't warn you.

David Craneís A Boy and His Blob Ė First of all, who the fuck is David Crane, and why is he so important his name is going to sell a kid on a game. When the only names I really cared about were my own and every single minor character who lived in the He-Man universe. Itís now 5 minutes after I wrote that last sentence, and Iíve done some research. Turns out David Crane wrote the classic game Pitfall. If you knew that offhand, please please donít kill the president. Heís a nice guy, really.

Anyways, A Boy and His Blob had a pretty cool premise. You were the boy, who controlled as if he had down syndrome. Your blob was from another planet, and since he seemed like a good natured alien, the boy decides to put his life on the line against random white dots and unidentifiable sprites to save the Blobís planet. By feeding the Blob jellybeans, you could turn him into all sorts of fun stuff. For instance, feeding the blob licorice turned him into a ladder. Feeding him cinnamon turned him into a blowtorch. Feeding him a punch jellybean turned him into a hole (get it? Punch! Hole! David Crane you wacky bastard!).Feeding him cyanide isnít an option, but I highly suggest pretending you can and turning the damn game off.

The main problem with the game the stupid blob turned into so much random shit that it was impossible to figure out where you were going. Turn the blob into a hole, walk down the hole, fall down 10 screens into a mysterious underground cavern, die. Turn the blob into a rocket, fly away to Blobonia, run into white dot, die. What a game! The legacy of David Crane lives on! The game was full of frustrating ways to kill yourself and never gave you the most remote hint where to go. Fuck you David Crane, I hope you get cancer.

Back to the Future Ė Know what my favorite scene in Back to the Future is? When Marty walks down the street, unable to stop, hopping over random objects, avoiding hoola hoop girls in skirts who throw musical notes at him, and rolling bolling balls at everyone and everything he can find. Oh wait, that wasnít in the movie, but some asshole down at Nintendo seemed to think it was, since thatís all this game is. This gameís probably beatable if you have an attention span like Bobby Fischer and can put up with the above scenario till you beat the game. However since Bobby Fisherís one of a kind and off his god damn rocker, Iím declaring this game impossible.

Ninja Turtles Ė The ultimate unbeatable game. A little background: The year is 1980-something (I think). Reagen is in office. Dexyís Midnight Runners and their incredible beats captivate the nation. Kids on the other hand donít give a rats ass about anything that doesnít yell cowabunga. If you were between the ages of 5-10, you had no choice but to live, breathe and dream about the Ninja Turtles, lest you have your ass kicked by some kid who thinks the bigass twig he found in the playground is Donatelloís bo. So when the Ninja Turtles game came out, you HAD to have it. Today, we could have gotten the review of the game came the day it came out and avoided it like an episode of My Little Pony. Those days though, the source for gaming news was Nintendo Power and since we were impatient little buggers who werenít gonna wait a month for a review of a game by the same people who published it, we all got it the day it came out. No longer were we confined to our silly games of CALLING ourselves Ninja Turtles, now we could actually BE Ninja Turtles (or we could control bad graphical representations of them with our thumbs). Long story short, this game is fuckiní impossible. You start the game with all 4 Turtles, and you can switch between them at will. But if one dies, heís out of the game forever. There were playground legends that you could actually rescue your fallen comrade Turtles, but since no one ever got past the water levels, it remains unconfirmed to this day. Apparently, someone at Ultra Games thought ďsure, kids like the action of the Ninja Turtles, but you know what they really love? The swimming! Kids canít get enough of those wacky Turtles swimming around squiggly lines that randomly catch them and kill them!Ē And so, the game was littered with such impossible levels and not even Fred Savage the Wizard himself could make a single game last 15 minutes. Since everyone was afraid to admit they didnít like the newest Turtle product, the game probably made a gajillion dollars.

In defense of the game, it did have one high point. You could drive the Turtle van and run over foot soldiers. Kids are never to young to learn about vehicular homicide.

While Iím ranting, who decided to make Rapheal the most useless turtle in this steaming pile of Lemur crap game? Heís universally agreed upon to be the most hardcore of the turtles. He didnít get the starring role in the movie by banging the ugly chick playing April. Ultra decided to reward him by making him the fastest in the game. However, speed isnít really an asset though when all your enemies are mouser robots that have an unpredictable AI pattern of ďwalk slowly towards player, jump up, walk slowly towards player, repeat till user throws system out window in frustrationĒ. And the worst part is they made Donatello, arguably the stupidest Turtle, the best. His reach was able to defy physics and destroy foot soldier through ceilings! The fuck?!? How many times did one of Donatelloís dumbass inventions get the Turtles in a shitload of trouble? I hate this damn game. At least Konami redeemed the Turtles license with the excellent Ninja Turtles arcade game which was easily beatable, provided your parents were willing to supply you with 10 bucks in quarters.

Screw you Jeff! Nothing's impossible! I'm fleeing in terror to Shit Jeff Wants to Talk About main page!