In short, hereís my theory. Space and time as we know it are based on two simple things.
|Back to the Future Ė Know what my favorite scene in Back to the Future is? When Marty walks down the street, unable to stop, hopping over random objects, avoiding hoola hoop girls in skirts who throw musical notes at him, and rolling bolling balls at everyone and everything he can find. Oh wait, that wasnít in the movie, but some asshole down at Nintendo seemed to think it was, since thatís all this game is. This gameís probably beatable if you have an attention span like Bobby Fischer and can put up with the above scenario till you beat the game. However since Bobby Fisherís one of a kind and off his god damn rocker, Iím declaring this game impossible.|
Ninja Turtles Ė The ultimate unbeatable game. A little background: The year is 1980-something (I think). Reagen is in office. Dexyís Midnight Runners and their incredible beats captivate the nation. Kids on the other hand donít give a rats ass about anything that doesnít yell cowabunga. If you were between the ages of 5-10, you had no choice but to live, breathe and dream about the Ninja Turtles, lest you have your ass kicked by some kid who thinks the bigass twig he found in the playground is Donatelloís bo. So when the Ninja Turtles game came out, you HAD to have it. Today, we could have gotten the review of the game came the day it came out and avoided it like an episode of My Little Pony. Those days though, the source for gaming news was Nintendo Power and since we were impatient little buggers who werenít gonna wait a month for a review of a game by the same people who published it, we all got it the day it came out. No longer were we confined to our silly games of CALLING ourselves Ninja Turtles, now we could actually BE Ninja Turtles (or we could control bad graphical representations of them with our thumbs). Long story short, this game is fuckiní impossible. You start the game with all 4 Turtles, and you can switch between them at will. But if one dies, heís out of the game forever. There were playground legends that you could actually rescue your fallen comrade Turtles, but since no one ever got past the water levels, it remains unconfirmed to this day. Apparently, someone at Ultra Games thought ďsure, kids like the action of the Ninja Turtles, but you know what they really love? The swimming! Kids canít get enough of those wacky Turtles swimming around squiggly lines that randomly catch them and kill them!Ē And so, the game was littered with such impossible levels and not even Fred Savage the Wizard himself could make a single game last 15 minutes. Since everyone was afraid to admit they didnít like the newest Turtle product, the game probably made a gajillion dollars.
In defense of the game, it did have one high point. You could drive the Turtle van and run over foot soldiers. Kids are never to young to learn about vehicular homicide.
While Iím ranting, who decided to make Rapheal the most useless turtle in this steaming pile of Lemur crap game? Heís universally agreed upon to be the most hardcore of the turtles. He didnít get the starring role in the movie by banging the ugly chick playing April. Ultra decided to reward him by making him the fastest in the game. However, speed isnít really an asset though when all your enemies are mouser robots that have an unpredictable AI pattern of ďwalk slowly towards player, jump up, walk slowly towards player, repeat till user throws system out window in frustrationĒ. And the worst part is they made Donatello, arguably the stupidest Turtle, the best. His reach was able to defy physics and destroy foot soldier through ceilings! The fuck?!? How many times did one of Donatelloís dumbass inventions get the Turtles in a shitload of trouble? I hate this damn game. At least Konami redeemed the Turtles license with the excellent Ninja Turtles arcade game which was easily beatable, provided your parents were willing to supply you with 10 bucks in quarters.
Screw you Jeff! Nothing's impossible! I'm fleeing in terror to Shit Jeff Wants to Talk About main page!